Dear Donald,
Where do I possibly start? I’m not Meryl Streep and I haven’t won any Oscars so this might not be as graceful or eloquent, but here goes.
You won even though in actuality you lost by almost three million votes. I don’t want to dwell too long or much at all on what Putin did for you in the Electoral College or what he didn’t do. The truth of the matter is if Hillary Clinton couldn’t beat you with all the deplorable things you said throughout your campaign then she shouldn’t be president, but then of course neither should you. Quite frankly, I found both of you to be deplorable and how ironic it would be if both of you ended up together in the same basket full of deplorables at a later time. Que sera, sera.
I could waste a page or two once listing all of the despicable things you said during your campaign, but at this point what would be the point? It’s obvious you either weren’t breast fed as a child, never had a dog, or that you have an extremely small dick which if combined I guess these three things cause all this inner Hitler turmoil in you. Like I said, I’m no Meryl Streep.
So why am I writing this letter to you? I’m writing because I love the concept of America, but the way you behave genuinely concerns me in regards to America’s future with you being the CEO. Like you, I’m not an ideologue or a partisan. In my adult voting life in presidential elections, I’ve voted for six Repbulicans, four Democrats, and one Independent. Of course, there’s no way in hell I voted for you, but I do respect the fact other Americans did and that’s the process whether I like it or not.
Unlike you, I’m not a reality television star, a regular guest on Howard Stern, or a member of the Billionaires Trophy Wife Club. But rather just a guy in Deer Creek, Oklahoma with a wife, a son, a dog, and a fairly rewarding life which means a great deal to me as does the concept of our country and the notion of something called the American Dream.
You did kind of win, but in no way did you receive a mandate of any kind because your opponent got three million more votes than you did. I know you’re a Republican now and math and science don’t mean that much….but still, it was three million votes. That’s not a mandate, but more an error our founding fathers made in the process. But I’m not the whining type, I’m really not so you’re the leader of the free world starting on Friday. But you enter your presidency with the lowest approval rating in our history as a nation. That’s not a mandate to overhaul the constitution, but more the fact Hillary Clinton’s character was as much in question as yours and Bernie Sanders said it himself many, many times.
So as you enter the White House may I suggest several things which might help you in being viewed as something other than a freak of the electoral process and a puppet of Preibus, Ryan, and McConnell?
1 Get a dog. I’ve read you don’t have a dog and will be the first president in 150 years to enter the White House without either a dog or a cat. Trust me, if ever there was a sick fuck who needed a loving dog it’s you. Please get a dog it might help you come to terms with yourself.
2 Put the Twitter handle away–you’re not Charlie Sheen or one of the Kardashians, you’re the leader of the free world and it’s an immense responsibility. You said you wanted to be president, some of my friends who voted for you said you’d change once elected. You not only haven’t changed, you’ve gotten worse. America needs a smart, balanced, pragmatic leader, not a spoiled fifth grader who can’t control himself on Twitter. So–I guess what I’m saying is grow the fuck up. In a hurry. Like now maybe.
3 Maybe read our Constitution. I know you don’t like to read much other than the National Enquirer, but let’s be bold here since you are on the verge of becoming the 45 POTUS. Maybe two books a month would be a nice start. I’ll pick the books out, not Steven Bannon. It’ll be like we’ve got our own private book club.
4 Don’t be a puppet of Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell or Priebus. You said you were going to drain the swamp when in fact those three are the swamp.
5 Take the time to apologize to Barack Obama for the asinine, idiotic Birther Movement you started and kept going during the course of his presidency. He seems like a good person and in reality you’re going to need a new friend you can talk to besides me and the dog once you start waking up every morning with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
That’s it pretty much. I told you I wasn’t as eloquent as Meryl Streep. Grow up. Open your heart. Start reading some. Learn to love someone other than yourself. It’s a virtually impossible job, but if you do these things if nothing else the American people will stand with you instead of marching against you. Remember, America is already great, we just pray you don’t diminish it. One last thing, put the stupid ball caps away. I think that’s it for now.
Mike from Deer Creek