From the Dave Letterman Home Office in Deer Creek, Oklahoma
TOP TEN TRUMP TO SPICER ALTERNATIVE TRUTHS FOR THE NEXT PRESS BRIEFING
#10 Shamelessly claim a million new jobs have been created in the Rust Bucket since Monday by Trump.
# 9 Float out the thought the Dow was trending at 2,800 just after lunch because of new Trump policies.
# 8 Reveal an agreement spearheaded by Eric and Don Jr. which will have the U.S. and Russia jointly acquiring Cuba.
# 7 Explain to Dems that Betsy DeVoss was on medication during her only confirmation hearing.
# 6 Say something snarky about Little Marco Rubio just to remind him I own his worthless little ass whenever I need his vote–remember have some fun out there, Sean.
# 5 Be audacious and announce China and Great Britain have forgiven our debt and see how it flows. Remember, it’s always the art of the deal.
# 4 Say something snarky about Ford and let’s see if we can drive their stock price down to a 52 week low.
# 3 Alert the press Lyin’ Ted Cruz was spotted exiting an alien spacecraft on the White House lawn at approximately 2:30am-EST. Our core kooks need to know we haven’t forgotten them.
# 2 Global warming, scmhobal warning. We’re done with the EPA as well. Tell them we’re sending Scott Pruitt back to Oklahoma where he belongs. Are you kidding, I was trolling him like I did with Romney.
# 1 And the #1 alternative truth is, drum roll, please….. Announce the Dept of Energy has been abolished, but Rick Perry will be re-assigned to Dancing With the Stars to Make America Great Again.