Dear Caligula:
It’s President’s Day and I’ve witnessed your presidency for thirteen months, although it feels more like twenty years. Since this is the day we honor our presidents I thought I might drop you a note with a thought or two included.
There are 330 million people in this country and 270 million of them didn’t vote for you. Which means 82% of the country did not buy into your Elmer Gantry grifter bullshit. Even with the Russians trolling their asses off to our dimmest and dumbest white people you lost the popular vote by just under three million votes to Hillary Clinton.
Granted, Mike Pence once compared you to Teddy Roosevelt, and that old GOP rascal Orrin Hatch claimed you might turn out to be one of our greatest presidents–I’d put as much stock in what those two say as what Devin Nunes, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, or Long-Headed Laura Ingraham say to our white mentally challenged in this country.
Anyway, enough of that, let’s get down to business.
Unlike you, I actually read and have a passion for history. I was a double major in college…history/business. So what I’m trying to setup here is that I think know more about this subject than you as far U.S. presidential history. Not for a second would I claim to field superior expertise in furniture store sport fucking or bankruptcy nuance, but U.S presidential history and sports trivia, yes.
So putting Pence and Hatch aside, here’s where you stand after thirteen months on the job. You stand as the worst president in U.S. history to date minus Andrew Johnson. I assume somewhere in the National Enquirer they maybe once mentioned Andrew Johnson… so I’ll assume you know about Lincoln, the Civil War, Reconstruction, and your boy Andrew Johnson. That’s where you stand right now and in a race to overtake Johnson as the worst president in our country’s history if you don’t pull your head out of your ass and ignore the rogue far right.
You’ll notice Jefferson Davis is never mentioned as one of our greatest presidents. You know why? Because he lost the Civil War, dumbass. Put your Sean Hannity Sippy Cup away and at least consider what I’m saying to you.
So…who are our five greatest presidents? I would probably go 1 Washington (he set the executive branch template), 2 Lincoln (he preserved the Union), 3 FDR (he beat the Axis powers), 4 Teddy Roosevelt (he eased us out of the Gilded Age), and 5 maybe Dwight Eisenhower (he kept us out of war in shaky times). Those would be my five.
What each great president must bring to the table is the ability to lead the entire country with vision and courage, not just line the pockets of the white billionaires club. Tell your buddy Mike Pence that Teddy Roosevelt was the original trust buster. I’m not sure he read that part of history. He must have been on the floor rolling around blathering shit doing tongues when that was being taught in high school. Just a hunch.
A great president uses the Bully Pulpit to steer legislation. A great president displays wisdom and sagacity in making pivotal decisions. Somehow…all five of the great presidents never tweeted once, or shared with Billy Bush what it means to be a primo furniture sport fucker, or how it was he came to pay Stormy Daniels $130,000 to not have sex with him.
Every one of the great presidents had their personal secrets. Lincoln’s wife Mary Todd was crazy. FDR had a mistress. So did Eisenhower. Teddy Roosevelt worshipped his wife Edith until her death. So…every president has a secret human side of sorts. But they all didn’t tweet to the world every time their dick twitched or they got their feelings hurt. They had thick skin. They rolled with it.
This would be my suggestion to you. Tell the country you’ve decided to not seek a second term…like LBJ. Tell the rogue right to go straight to hell because you won’t be needing their vote in 2020. Tell Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, and Mike Pence the rest of your presidency will be yours, not theirs. They could care less about you.
I’d then try and build a bipartisan coalition of sorts with say Chuck Schumer, Chris Coons, Lindsey Graham, and maybe John Kasich. I’d replace John Kelly with Dave Chappelle. I’d send your dumbass children and your putz son-in-law back to NYC. I’d huddle with pragmatic middle of the road adults rather than the far right and far left and see if you could get a few things done other than passing the Robber Baron’s Return to the Gilded Ages Tax Reform Act.
You have nothing to lose. You’ve been a terrible president. You’ve been used is what has happened. You were used by Bannon and Breitbart. You were used by the Mercers. You were used by McConnell and Ryan. And you’ve been used by the worst John Birch instincts which still exist in segments of white America.
Dude…you’ve been played. Pure and simple.
That’s it. That’s my note to you.
Have a happy President’s Day, Caligula.