If Barack Obama Was White

So I have this story to tell in places like Oklahoma, Alabama, Louisiana and other SEC locales. Please close your eyes as I tell this story.

There’s this young guy from Illinois named Barack Hussein Obama who got himself elected to the U.S. Senate from the state of Illinois.

Completely self-made dude. He didn’t really have a father in his life. Didn’t inherit the Bush family wealth like 43 and Low Energy. Smarter than Dan Quayle or Jack Kemp ever prayed they could be. Didn’t get $420 million from his father in a trust. Didn’t cheat on his wife like Bill Clinton. This dude is pristine political cocaine is what he is.

He not only went and graduated from Harvard Law School, but became president of their Law Review. Imagine that.

He gave this speech at the DNC in 2004 which put him on his party’s radar screen. Then in 2008 when the country Bush 43 was running completely into the ground imploded like a dumpster fire he kind of became a thing. So this young guy somehow goes out and beats Hillary Clinton for his party’s nomination of all things. Go figure.

He then beats John McCain for the presidency at a time in our country’s history almost as low as the Great Depression with double digit unemployment and frozen credit markets seized by the fall of Lehman Brothers. Add to the fact Bush 43 has him in two wars in the Middle East.

But he doesn’t flinch. He graciously reaches out to John McCain in his acceptance speech. He reaches out to Republicans across the board. Heck…in the end he even becomes friends with John Boehner of Ohio and Tom Coburn from Muskogee, Oklahoma of all places.

He keeps Bob Gates as his Sec Def. He reaches out to work with Republican Fed Chair Ben Beranke and they create TARP to the tune of $787 billion dollars to bailout the country from in essence the banking industry so ordinary people don’t get wiped out across the economic spectrum. They even save the U.S. auto industry despite opposition from the Republicans.

The banks repay their loans with interest with Elizabeth Warren all over their asses which is totally believable after seeing her debate Michael Bloomberg.

And it works. For 84 straight months thru the conclusion of his second term the U.S. economy creates around 200,000 new jobs a month. The Dow rebounds from 43’s low mark of 6,500 to 19,300 in eight years. The U.S. is still perceived as the leader in the democratic free world and Leon Panetta even helps him get Bin Laden.

Shit…outside of the SEC and Oklahoma that’ll get a guy a 95% approval rating in states where people can actually read and aren’t emotionally tied with Joe Exotic and his husbands.

Now open your eyes and imagine Barack Obama is white.

See what I mean?

11 thoughts on “If Barack Obama Was White”

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