If Donald Trump were truly serious about becoming President of the United States and leader of the free world this is more in line of what his ‘almost’ apology should have contained.
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Where do I start since I’ve been such a douchebag in general to almost everyone during the past fourteen months?
Let’s start with veterans, our military, our Gold Star Families, and POWs. I’m truly sorry for some of my callous and extremely immature comments. I can’t possibly empathize with the sacrifices so many of you have made to keep our country free so that a prick like me from Queens, New York could embrace my First Amendment rights to say some of the things I’ve said the past fourteen months in relation to your service, sacrifice, dedication, and loss in serving our country. I never served. Not that’s that an adequate defense for my stupidity, but I’ve just never served anyone except my own ego and net worth. Please be patient with me.
Women. Again I just don’t know any better. I’ve never had a serious meaningful relationship with a woman. How could I know? I’ve collected bikini model wives like I’ve collected golf courses, casinos, hotels, and office complexes. It’s given me something to talk about with Howard Stern during our idiotic interviews. Howard loves this. It’s not that I hate or overtly disrespect women it’s maybe that I really haven’t ever had a relationship based on love rather than cup size– and this is on me.
Hispanics, African Americans, and Muslims. What can I say? It’s not that I could possibly even in my own mind believe some of the things I’ve said about you during my reality television/Twitter campaign for the presidency, but the thing is I figured if I could garner 65% of the white vote in America I could possibly pull this caper off. Do you honestly think I’m stupid enough to think we could round up eleven million people, send them back to Mexico, and have Mexico pay to build a friggin’ wall? Do you honestly think I hold Hillary Clinton responsible for where blacks are or aren’t in our nation today since I endorsed her for president in 2008 and tried to buy her influence on numerous occasions? And do you really think I’m not aware that the Muslim population in America is one of the highest achieving segments in our country?
To several of my fellow GOP presidential canidates. To Lyin’ Ted Cruz–I’m sorry I called you a liar and a total idiot even if it’s true. To Marco– I never should have called you Little Marco and disparaged your penis in front of the world. And to Low Energy Jeb Bush, it’s not that I think you’re a bad guy because like your brother I endorsed the War in Iraq back in 2002, but I knew in my heart of hearts if I could bully you out of the race early I could easily beat what would be left standing. It was easy and when I put you away in South Carolina it was over. Kasich would have been the obvious choice, but do you really think the people who follow me on Twitter would vote for John Kasich? Not likely, although I could possibly sleep with his wife. Howard will love this one almost as much as when I said I might like to have sex with Ivanka at some point.
But in closing, most of all I want to apologize to every American who’s done the right things in your lives. Gone to work, paid your taxes, raised your children the right way, done everything possible to make America the greatest country in the history of the world. None of what I’ve said in this campaign was intended to be taken seriously. But when it started sticking and gaining momentum what was I suppose to do? So I’m somewhat genuinely sorry for what has transpired the past fourteen months.
Almost.
Donald J Trump